Well 2008 has come to an end and now it's time to move forward. I was looking for a slip to write my next song on at karaoke and found this at our table. I don't know who it was from or who it was for...but I read it and kept it. It made me think about this coming year. All or nothing. That's how I want to live this year. I don't want to do anything half assed. If I decide to do anything then that's it I'm gonna do it and give the most out myself I can. I know it may sound cheesy, but that's all I want from this year.

2008 I saw a lot of bad things happen to a lot of people and I can only hope that this next year, is better for them. But, I know that it only will be if moving forward they learn, not to make the same mistakes which made last year so bad....

Sometimes, it feels like my life is a revolving door. A place where people come and take their turn around and then go on their merry way again, while I'm stuck in the same place. I guess it's hard to shake that feeling when I look back on how many roommates I have had in the past. Yet, I still remain here. I feel like I'm being treated as a catalyst and nothing else. Someone to come to when you are in a transition, and then to be left after you reached a chance at a better situation and can move forward. Or, as a place to run to away to while things are going bad somewhere else, and you need to get away.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I want to be there for them and glad that I have been able to do so thus far. I mean they are the nearest thing I have ever had to a family, and I don't want them to stop coming to me for things, but I can't but feel a little used and taken advantage of to a point. I mean really wouldn't you if you stopped to think about it?

I just feel like people don't really appreciate a lot of the things I actually do for them...maybe I'm different then most people but, I always thought that when someone helped you and did things for you, you're suppose to show some form of gratitude, instead of stressing the person who's trying to help you. Or being mean to them just because, they are there and you're upset at life.

Plus, I'm really tired of the fact people can't seem to look at the good things they have and only look at the negative. Letting themselves be stuck in the what could of been, instead of trying to move forward, or even try a little. So, they'll end up running away instead of trying because, it's too scary. Or placing blame on others when it really wasn't the only factor. How is that healthy? If you have to look back and be bitter fine...but, you can't place the blame on someone who wasn't really part of the relationship, because really the blame can only be put on two people and that's the two people who who were in it together...

Sorry, besides that last paragraph I was talking about my friends in general, but that one is kind of pointed at someone and I apologize for it. But, this blog has always been my way of saying what I need to get out and I won't change that now.

Then, there's the other side of my feelings which wonder what it's like to have a place to run away too. What it's like to have a home, with parents who care about you will help out during hard situations. I not having that myself, can't feel a bit jealous. But, then I think it's for the best because, I have to stay together this way, I have to think logically or, I won't be able to survive. I like being able to stand on my own, but sometimes I wonder if I am really making any progress this way or if I will forever be stuck in the same situation. I won't dwell on the subject but it does come to mind every now and again.

Well this will be my last blog post for the year I'm sure. So, this year has been really hard for me and those around me I can only hope that the new year will be better then the last. I usually make a post on new years so till then may whoever reads this be well.

Everything seems to give way at once. Maybe I have been more stressed then what has been showing...I'm the only one in my house who has a job at the moment. Money is tight because rent is higher and I barely have any left for food and such....So, as things get worse and you try your hardest to put up a good front...In public anyways, life has a way to smack you down even harder to force you to not even be able to pretend to keep things together anymore.

So, a couple days ago I had this pain on my right side and two red bumps appeared. I tried to ignore it but the pain got worse. So, four days in I finally went to urgent care. They told me I had shingles and gave prescriptions for it. Well seeing how rent is like $100 more then it use to be and I'm between pay checks I have no money. So, I called target where I was getting them filled and this lady said they would be $78...I had four. x.x So, I went through my video games and some of my DVD's and culled out ones I hardly play or use and sold them. It then wasn't enough, so my roommate Robbie ended up selling his PS2... Then when we got there the old lady had done the wrong math and it was really only $51....meaning we sold more then we had to. But, I guess it was okay because, we were able to buy some food for the house because, we had none. O_o

So, I took my meds and helped me feel a little better...but they give me mood swings. I also had to be up at 6am for a meeting today and then had to go back to work at 10.When I got there I told them about the Shingles and they freaked out. Saying they needed a note stating I could work safely with people. So, I got them to fax a note over to say that I could work and that I should just be careful/stayaway from very old people and young children. They saw that and they sent me home saying they'll call me later with a plan. Well I lost it...put in for time off and cried untill JB could pick me up from work...I can't affoard to miss work. I have about 20 hours of sick time and that's all. This thing lasts about 1-2 weeks....sometimes up to 5. There is no way for me to surivive if they will not let me come back to work.

What pisses me off is the fucking doctor told me that it would be fine as long I wash my hands and keep my rash covered. When I told my manager that he just ignored it and yeah...I have the next two days off anyways, I will however call them and make sure they find something for me to do untill I get better...

Oh, yeah my mom's crazy...Also, it seems I only blog when I fall down fucking hard and almost break. I should probably work on that but honestly when things go well I can't really find anything to write about...meh...

One can not really define music. Sure if you google define music you'll find things that try, but music is art, and in a way can not be defined. To me it is just a sound that makes one happy. As you know I am a person who usually has their headphones on most of the time, listening to the sounds that make me happy, and perhaps sad at times. When I go out walking, or to the store I always have them on and ignore the presence of others that are around me, in my own world just out to get what I need without interruption of people, who may make me angry or try to up sell me. At home when I'm cleaning I have them on to help motivate me. Before, I sleep I have them on so I can shut my brain up. I guess you can say I use music as a crutch in a way. A way to shut everyone out and away and to think and make myself happy.

For six days my ipod was left at a friends house. Six days, without being able to shut everyone out. It felt like there was a void for those six days I couldn't fill. Sure I could listen to music on my comp, and when my roommates weren't home, but not having the freedom to listen to it wherever I wanted was kind of dis hearting. And when I went to the store I was forced to say hi to people I would have rather ignored, and when I went walking I had no beat to set my pace to, and I had to smile at people I'd rather just pass by... I guess you never know how much you depend on one object you use everyday until it's gone. I've learned to never leave my ipod somewhere ever again...

I feel like such a soulless robot doll. Smile, make people happy, even though you could care less about their existence. Dance, even when you're down and out and don't care keep moving, when you have nothing left force yourself to keep going. I do something I don't even care about for the current legal tender. Instead of doing anything I'd like to do I work for a corporation who doesn't really care about anything but, profits. Which talks about going green when selling deadly chemicals, and today it got to me. The gears that make this doll move almost broke down. I almost cried at work today, almost said fuck this and walked out. But, my better judgment got the better of me and I know in this current job market I wouldn't be able to find another job and because, I have people who depend on my share of the rent I have to keep this up.

I took a walk in the freezing cold when got home tonight to try and clear my head. All that happened of course is that I got caught in a memories of the past, which seems to happen whenever I try to think of my future. So, I sit here stuck thinking about what I should be doing while trying to keep myself from thinking of things I shouldn't have done. I never thought when I was younger I'd live to be this old and now I'm stuck with what do I? How can I force myself to actually start caring?

Am I falling forward or am I falling backward? Am I really falling at all? Am I even moving at all. I can't really tell much any more. Am I over coming anything or have I given up? I'm still here but am I really? How much of me has been lost, how much of me is still here? Do I keep getting up, even if I don't have anything to believe in? Do I keep running even if I do not have anywhere to run to? Do I keep speaking, even if no one is listening? Do I keep writing if no one reading? Do I keep asking questions, when no one is answering?

I feel like a zombie, someone half alive and a shell of what they use to be, but honestly what did I use to be? Have I really ever been anything more then that? I suppose I have been but, it's hard to remember...I can be happy I know I can I just need to stop letting my demons get the best of me. Just a few months ago I posted about cycles and now I'm stuck in one of my own. One I am aware of, but for the moment I don't want to stop it. One bad habit for another, everyone has one right? I replaced my worst habit shouldn't that be good? But no this habit is bad too, but I like it, it makes me feel happy...isn't that the point? Maybe I am I little lost, but right now I feel like I have no one I can turn too no one that can understand...I need someone I can spill my guts to and vent, I haven't truly in over a year, yet I do not kn0w one person I can do that with anymore so I am stuck. Like I was before, stuck inside myself with high walls no one can penetrate. Or if they can they don't seem to want to try anymore....

Wow I haven't blogged in like a few months...I guess I haven't had much to say. I've just been living the day to day and working sleeping and drinking. I seem to do that a lot lately I must admit. I guess everyone has a drinking phase at one point. Well, not everyone but a lot of people.

I'm year older since I last posted. I had a better birthday then the past couple. I had sushi and got really drunk so it was of course it was fun times. Even though I almost got killed by a spoon flying out of now where and some weird guy touched my ass and offered to have sex with me O.o... Yeah, that was a little weird...

I went full time at home depot for now. I need the hours and stuff I didn't want them to get cut like last year when I had only 28 hours and I couldn't really pay my part of the rent. Oh, I also got a cat too. Her name is mog and she's kind of crazy... I guess it's fitting I'd have a crazy cat right? I hope she will calm down more...

Well, now for the real reason I'm posting this blog. I had the chance to finally see my fav. band in world last month on the 31st. Brand New, I went with my friend from work Kiona and met Sabs there. Now I love this band and so you will think what I say might be biased but, honestly if you ever have chance to see this band live take it! They're better live then on the CD.

I have heard a lot of bands live in my life and I honestly have to say I have never heard a better band live. I mean I have to admit it's because, of the lead singer Jesse Lacey. I have never heard someone with so much emotion in there voice ever. I was actually skeptical at first because, whenever I read about brand new I saw people say there shows were legendary and that they are the best band out there live. I didn't think they could be better then a lot of the people I've seen live, who are considered a lot bigger then they are. I was proven wrong of course. I mean I've seen a lot of bands in my life and I can honestly say that this was the best show I've been too.

There were no huge effects because, they weren't needed there was just the pure emotion in every word that was sung and every note that was played. Thrice also opened for them and they were pretty good as well. Nothing compared to Brand New but meh. Afterwards Sabs and I went to the ye olde IHOP and ate and chatted cause, we haven't been hanging out as much lately which kind of sucks. I'll be helping her move on Sunday though and most likely have thanksgiving with her and her dad. I'll try to keep up on blogging more. I admit though I have drawing more lately to seep out my emotions then writing...