Dear friend,

Well I started to read this book I read back when I was a freshman in high school. It's stirs up a lot of memories and one of the parts made me think. It was about the main charters sister. It was about how she was liberal and free thinker and she wad dating a boy who she got into a fight with. She was bullying him and telling how he was pansy and he hit her. After he hit her she became more passionate about the relationship. Another part of the book talked about his aunt who was abused by her step dad, who abused her mom and how later in life she dated and married men like him.

It made me think about cycles, about the circle of people following what they know. Even if it's bad. Violence is really a common thing and all it does is spawn more violence. More aggressors and more victims. It's hard to break this cycle of victims breeding more victims and aggressors.

Lately my life has been at a stand still in the ways of social aspects because, I'm afraid of these cycles. I don't want to be like mother going from one abusive relationship to another. I don't want to be like my father and my mother and be abusive towards other people.

I watch as my friends live in these cycles. I'm not saying just one of them but, I've seen almost all of them do it at one point and I don't wish to point any one of my friends out, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out of my head and somewhere else.

We let people do cruel things to us and use the claim that we love them so that makes it okay. I mean yes people hurt each other every day but, I'm talking about to the point where people can call it abusive. Living in unhealthy relationships because, we're scared, of sleeping alone in our own beds, of being alone at all, of trying something new. Like I said before people will stay with what's comfortable even if it hurts them.

So, I stand on the edge of life and while I try to be social with people I really keep my distance. I know I can break my own cycle if I stay aware of my self and these thoughts and not letting myself get swept away from logical thought. To never let myself think someone is worth my own suffering at there hands in a psychical or verbal manner. To never get to the point where I need someone in my bed to prove my own self worth.

I will say again, this was just about crap I've been thinking about. I'm not trying to point anyone out or judge any of my friends. However, I can't help but see the patterns of people living their lives around me.I really need to keep blogging like this more as well it really helps me feel better to get this crap out in some form.
-Rosemary